As you read the following entry, you might find the tone depressive at first, but please don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining about God, just delivering the account of the spiritual journey that is real and human. You will find light and comfort at the very end of the entry.
Shame has been one nagging problem for me since 1998 when my dad forced me to participate in a ceremony that had to do with idols in Hong Kong.
I remembered how one time he stormed my room and counted with his fingers what he had done for me with his money, such as education, food, shelter, clothing… yet I chose to obey God. Since then, I became obsessed with getting a real job that can support my own living expense so I would no longer have to put up with this stress, and the shame that came from the fact that I, a Christian son, had been relying on my dad’s income from working as a priest of idols.
I was 16-17 years old then.
Long story short, now I am 27 years old, turning 28 in the coming September, yet I have been unemployed for a couple of years now, although I had attained a bachelor degree from a University and had worked a few jobs in the last 10 years. Right now I am jobless and still rely on my dad’s support.
Every day is a rehearsal of the same, but unemployment isn’t a problem that can be fixed overnight. Over the past 10 years I had became more timid after some rejections from jobs interviews, lack of interviews, and falling behind my peers in term of career.
But the last two years I had received a lot of consolations from God. It has been sabbath years for me.
Shame is still a nagging problem, even though I have been trying to avoid thinking about it most of the time. I just want to earn my own bread like the Bible instructs. (2Th 3:8)
Even my Christian brothers and sisters were judgemental about my financial situation. As I was dealing with the defeats and the shames in my memory, their hurtful words came up.
My dad no longer pressured me like he did 10 years ago. But everyday I see him worrying about my future, going out to work in a job I know is not pleasing to God, and getting old. It pains me to no end.
No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, … Psalms 25:3
In the past 6 months my dad has almost died in a couple of could-be-fatal accidents. The first one I was there. He barely maneuvered his van to dodge an incoming truck that drove by carelessly in a small road. The second one, his van lost control and turned 420 and crushed to the road barrier on the side of a highway. Had there been a vehicle that were coming near from behind, it could have collided with my dad’s van and killed him.
My fear is that my dad might somehow die before he sees me financially independent and accept Christ as his personal savor.
My worst fears usually turned out to become real. For example, being unemployed and rely on my dad was one major fear, now it totally realized. Another fear was that if I met a dream girl she would find me inadequate. I did meet a girl whom I thought was exactly the dream girl that I imagined, but she despised me. She is a Chinese Canadian, and is fluent in English. I was like a joke to her, and my broken English at the time must have aggravated that.
I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Psalms 34:4
I know it’s wrong for a Christian to commit suicide. But I have been tempted to think about suicide for many years, to the point where I had been afraid of carrying it out. Not that I was afraid of dying, but I was afraid of being too fearless and impulsive one day I might actually kill myself).
For those of you who had suicidal thoughts, don’t be surprised. You are not alone. The thoughts came from the enemies – Satan and his dark force. See further below where I will explain more about our enemies and the spiritual battles.
So far by God grace I have never compromised. In the past I had brought a life insurance that would paid my family even if the insured (me) committed suicide (effective after 2 years of the 1st premium), but I’d canceled the insurance policy recently. I trust that God will keep me from falling into the suicidal trap.
Was it a generational curse?
As I go through the Freedom Journey Course , it instructs me to confess and pray about the sins that my ancestors have committed. Was it the generational curse that was part of the root causes of the problems that I have been struggling with? Such as financial struggle (Unable to land and hold a decent job), relationship (A few dream girls but never worked out), and mediocracy in general?
Nevertheless, I confessed all the known sins of my ancestors very completely, had to deal with some negative emotions that arose in the process, and probably suffered some demonic resistance during the whole thing.
After confessing my ancestors’ sins, and doing other steps in the Freedom Journey Course, I experienced greater spiritual freedom. The problem with a major addiction seemed to have shrunk so much. The Lord had mercy on me.
See? Spiritual battles are brutal. The enemies will attack you, curse you, and try to keep you in bondage. They will tell you to die. They can even use careless bro or sis and attack you through them. Just like what I had been through in the last 10 years.
Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of suffering. 1 Peter 5:8-9
Did God lie?
So I have quoted two verses that promised I will not be put to shame, and that he would deliver me from my fears, but according to my real experience, it seemed to tell the opposite. Did God lie to me?
No, I don’t think so.
Let me explain the fear part. My dad hasn’t died yet. And he wasn’t the same oppressive dad that he was 10 years ago. Since I came home he had been taking care of me. I was surprised by the peace at home. God had been blessing my family and gave us more peace, comparing with 10 years ago.
And the girl who despised me wasn’t really my dream girl anyway! How could a true godly girl acted so immaturely and brought so much hurts and tears? (No we didn’t date, we were just bro and sis in a fellowship, but she went very far to let me know that she wasn’t interested. Rejection is fine, but she overdid it too many times) My real fear might actualize if I do marry her, a girl with an issue with pride! God is reserving the best for me.
As for shame, although I am unemployed, I am called to work on this blogging ministry for God. In the future, it might just turn out to me a glorious job that I will forever be thankful for. Right now it’s still small, but who knows where God will lead this to?
No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him 1 Corinthians 2:9-10